A.S.S Quote:

762 Millimeter ... Full Metal Jacket

6/05/03

Many people feel the Military life is easy. Many say it is a joke, that some of these people complain about going to war, about fighting for our country. Others may say it is an honor in which only the bravest and strongest soldiers can compete in. Well I say everyone is wrong. Life at war is hard, but Life before war is harder. Training is the real reason why millions die. And it is all because of one man who inspired everyone to go Insane, Leonard Lawrence, or as he is called by his drill instructor, Gomer Pile..

Did your parents have any children that survived? Well I bet they regret that. Your so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece.

Now we all know the military isn't made up of pussies. The only type of people that will EVER apply for the military is niggers, kikes, wops, greasers, snowballs, jokers, cowboys, fat bodies, fagots and sailors. Even though this list may seem like alot, in reality it is not. Not everyone makes it into the Military. It takes hard work and dedication. You can't joke around and pretend your John Wayne, you can't eat fried chicken in the mesh hall, and you can't even laugh when the fairy fucking godmother cracks jokes. But back to Gomer Pile. He entered the Marine Training to fight in the Vietnam War. Just look at his fat ass. Like can do anything. But that's beyond the point. He may have came with the right intentions, he still did not know where to draw the boundaries. When his drill instructor told him to choke himself, YOU CAN'T CHOKE YOURSELF WITH YOUR OWN HAND!

You look like the kind of guy who would fuck someone in the ass and not even give them the common courtesy to get the reach around.

Gomer Pile looks scared! This drill instructor must mean some serious damage. Well That wasn't the end of Gomer Pile's tom foolery. (Why the hell is it called Tom Foolery) But Gomer Pile wasn't the only one to suffer. This drill instructor Phil Hartman went after the black man, the white man, and the OTHER white man as well...

I will PT you all until you fucking DIE! I'll PT you all until your assholes are fucking buttermilk!

After the usually inspirational tradition of introducing the new privates to the military, they began their harsh training. And by harsh training I mean picking their own bunks, taking showers, and pulling practical jokes on each other when the lights were out. Yes, the military life is so hard. After their big welcoming dinner, they were FORCED TO MEMORIZE A POEM! Ohh the agonizing pain. Well most recruits memorized the little poem while others sat in the cots and recited old time classics to make it look like they knew what they were doing.

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jumped over the candle dick.

The next day the recruits had to go through some crotch grabbing, rope climbing, stick fighting, and ass clowning. Near all the recruits completed these obstacles. And they are not easy. However, one man in particular came close. Well he didn't come close, he tried though. Well he didn't try, he just failed, what a fat ass...

I will guarantee there's some pussy up there if you make it up to the top of the obstacle.

As you can see, there was no pussy. But Private Pile is a failure among failures. Everyone was treated equal, no racial bigotry, no picking out certain privates. Everyone is worth -less shit. Private Pile just seemed to unscrew his head and now he has shit down his neck. Everything he did was his own fault. He was a real fat ass. Phil Hartman just did his job, and did it very well. He was working hard with Gomer Pile, trying to make him a ruthless killer. Boy how things did work out in his favor...

KEY FORESHADOWING: While training on the rifle field, Sergeant Phil Hartman blatantly says "The deadliest weapon is a marine and his rifle. It is your killer instinct which must be harnessed if you which to survive in combat. If your killer instincts are not clean and strong, you will hesitate in the moment of truth. You will not kill, you will become dead marine. And then you will be in a world of shit".

Well Gomer Pile began to learn and began to train with Private Joker. He taught him how to be a tough marine, a clean marine, and a GAY marine. He showed him how to tie his shoes, count by twos, to fold his bed cover, to write letters to his mommy, and how to climb the wall of pussy.

I don't know what I've been told. Eskimo Pussy is mighty cold. Feels good. Real Good. Tastes Good. Smells Good.

But once again, Gomer Pile screwed up. That Fat Assed Bastard. While going through inspection, Sergeant Phil Hartman noticed his foot locker was unlocked. And then there was hell to pay. Because nobody has helped him help Private Pile, he is still a fat body. What he found however was amazing. A pair of socks, a few baseball cards, a stack of porno mags, a box of stole Italian wrist watches, some Eskimo pussy dental dams, and the worst of all.... A JELLY DONUT!!!! Well he had to be punished for this outrageous act of stupidity and hunger. Because of his Tom Foolery (Credit Mr. Foolery with the dumbest adjective ever), everyone had to do push ups, everyone had to do sit ups, everyone had to do dick ups. And Private Pile just sat their eating that tasty, creamy, and ravishing jelly donut.

Gomer Pile was starting to lose it. After all this punishment he was gonna snap one time or another. Luckily his friend Private Joker was able to try to talk to him into shaping up. Did it work? You be the judge of that at the end of my article. Here he is making mistakes, making everyone pay for what he did. Does he deserve to get punished? Yes he does. Is a Jelly Donut at Bed Time an appropriate punishment? HELL NO. So the other privates took action. How do you punish someone who makes you suffer, tie them up and beat them with a bar of soap wrapped in a towel...

Remember it was just a dream FAT...........SO

By the time everyone finished, he was screaming in pain. But it was a well deserved scream. The next day, it was the end for Private Pile. He had completely snapped. He totally lost track of anything and everyone around him and started talking to his rifle.

Later that day, Sergeant Phil Hartman was talking about a famous American Icon, Charles Whitman. None of you dumb asses know.

Fact: Charles Whitman was a man who killed 12 people from a 28 story observation tower in the University of Texas from distances of 400 yards.

Do you know where this individual learned how to shoot? In the Marines. Then it came. Everyone's favorite time of the year, Christmas Day. Now not only did Sergeant Phil Hartman allow the marines to sing Happy Birthday to Jesus, he also concluded by saying "God has a hard-on for Marines". And there is no crime in that. But at least Gomer Pile did something productive. He learned how to shoot as well as a murderer, he named his rifle Sharleen, and he developed a hard on for Marines as well. And according to the Marine Corp, they do not want Robots, they want Killers. And Gomer Pile is a perfect candidate.. Then came the happiest day in a Marines Life. GRADUATION! From then on until the day they die, they were all brothers. Then came the part where they are given the sects they will be part of. But it didn't matter to Gomer Pile, he wasn't gonna make it to the military...

Later that night, Private Joker was set to guard dog that night. While walking around, checking out the marines asses, he went to the bathroom to take a huge crap and saw Private Pile sitting there taking a huge shit.

Hi Joker. Are those life rounds? 762 Millimeter ... Full Metal Jacket...

Now at this point, Private Joker is scared Shitless. He didn't know what to do. Here is is with a hard on in his pants, a flash light in his hand, and a fat ass with a gun in front of him. So he tries to reason with Gomer Pile by talking him into putting the gun down. But his drastic mistake is saying a few words. "If you don't put that gun down, Sergeant Hartman will find us and we will both be in a world of shit". So what does Private Pile do? He screams. "I AM.....IN A WORLD..... OF SHIT". What a fat bastard. He locks and loads his gun, prepares to kill Joker when all of a sudden the hero of the movie comes to the rescue!

So many unanswered questions. What is this Mickey Mouse shit? What in Jesus Christ are you animals doing, in my head? Why is Private Pile out of his bunk after lights out? Why is Private Pile holding that weapon? Why aren't you stomping Private Pile's guts out? The reason is cause Joker is a pussy. So Sergeant Phil Hartman stands up the Private Pile and attempts to stop his Mickey Mouse shit. He marches right up to him, and begins to soften him up so he will put down the gun. But Gomer Pile flipped out and....

What's your major malfunction numb nuts? DIDN'T MOMMY AND DADDY GIVE YOU ENOUGH ATTENTION, WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE???

Next was Joker. But Joker stood there liked a mild fag, and left his drill sergeant die in his place. But Gomer Pile realized Joker wasn't a problem, the only problem left was himself. So he decided to kill the only person that still stood in his way, himself.

I like chicken, I like liver, Meow Mix, Meow Mix please deliver

And there you have the extraordinary story of a madman in the Military. Sure he was sadistic, sure he was crazy, sure he was a lunatic, but he was just right to make it into the Marine Corp. So what does this article show you? The real meaning was not show you how Gomer Pile was insane, it was merely an article to support Sergeant Phil Hartman's run for President of the United States.

Well there you have it, Full Metal Jacket in a nutshell. Wait? You means there's 80 more minutes of the movie left? Well guess what, unless you like seeing army men talk about fighting, and watching a group of military guys walking out of Vietnam singing the Mickey Mouse March, I suggest if you watch this movie. End it there, please. PHIL HARTMAN FOR PRESIDENT!

- Josh (Impact)