A.S.S Quote:

Santa's Wish List

12/20/02

Every Christmas, I get millions and millions of Christmas letters saying things that I believe are completely pointless like the following one.

"Dear Santa, For Christmas I would like for my Dog, Kibble, to come back to me. He disappeared last week then we found him sleeping under the wheel of a car. Mommy says that he was very tired and that he would wake up later. Then she placed him in a wooden bed and placed him under the ground. She said it kept him warm while he slept. For Christmas, I don't want anything else but for my dog to wake up. Please. Thank You Santa.

You see. Letters like this make Santa very mad. Santa doesn't work with animals. Not even those rotten reindeer like me. Why do you think Santa rides in an SUV now? Animals are the hardest to work with. So as for your Christmas wish, Santa says DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH because for Christmas, Santa is not going to get your dog to wake up. If you want maybe Santa can dig it up so you can eat it and always have it with you.

Next on my Christmas List, I want to address all the people that accuse Santa of ripping children off because I charge $15 for a small picture with me and $38 for a full size 8" by 11" picture. Well to those people I ask you a question. Where do you get the money to buy your kids presents? Well like every other person Santa needs to make a living. You'd be surprised how tired you get from eating those rotten Christmas Cookies. Mrs. Clause makes so many of them, I get sick. Then if I'm sick I can't bring all the presents to those poor unfortunate rich kids who live in the Hamptons. So my next Christmas wish is to stop accusing me of cheating children because if anything I'm the one getting cheated. I mean bringing kids something for nothing. We live in the new world where stuff like that doesn't cut it anymore.

The Final wish on Old Saint Nick's Christmas List is for all the Santa Naysayer's to sew their mouths shut with a broken phone cord because I'm tired of all the parents taking credit for what I do. You don't believe in Santa? Well then let me come to your house and have you attacked by a mob of Santa's Elves while I sit back and laugh and eat all your Christmas cookies. Then when I come to "visit" you in the hospital you can tell me you don't believe in the miracles of Christmas. Don't ever forget that Santa has more connections that all the mob bosses put together. Those people dressed like me, their not my helpers. They're really my ways of seeing into the regular city to see who puts down Santa's name and make them have a very Merry Christmas, WHETHER THEY LIKE IT OR NOT!

Well that's all for Santa's Wishlist. Now maybe someone can give me what I want for Christmas instead of being so damn selfish.

"I am a small boy at heart, but a big, big man where it counts."

ENFORCER

- Nef (Enforcer)